It's apparent I've been MIA around here for a couple of weeks. Maybe you noticed, and maybe you didn't! But my cat's been sick and I just didn't feel like writing. I don't even feel much like writing now but thought I'd check in and let you know I'm still alive.
It all started off so innocuously. I took my cat into the vet last weekend for what I believed was a minor cough, and what I thought would be a simple diagnosis. They took chest x-rays and that's when they saw it. A mass.
I heard the C word and then I lost it. I felt like I was going to throw up and pass out at the same time. My world stopped spinning.
I brought him home and then I cried all weekend. ALL weekend. Nothing else matters when someone you love gets that diagnosis. Nothing. An ultrasound yesterday confirmed the tumor. We are still waiting on a biopsy which will be performed next week but in any case, it's not good.
I'm sad every time I look at him, thinking there's something inside his body that's slowly killing him and there's nothing I can do.
Why my cat???
I cry in the car and in the shower sometimes, when no one's around. I cry when I look at him and see how thin he's becoming, wondering why I didn't notice anything sooner. I cry often when I lie down at night.
I don't know how I'll watch him go through this.
How do you explain what's happening to a cat? I don't know.
How will I explain to his brother what's happened to his very best friend in the world. I don't know. How will I pretend that what's happening to him isn't killing me inside? I won't.
Tomorrow I leave to spend the holiday in ATL surrounded by family. I'll board my plane and pretend my world's still spinning, and that my heart isn't breaking into a million little pieces.
And that's all I have to say about that.
I realize this post is a HUGE downer and I'm sorry. But that's what's been going on. If you've ever had a pet with a terminal illness, I'd love to hear what you did, how you dealt with it, and how you helped them through it.
Wherever you are spending the holidays and whomever you are with, love them and hug them and tell them. You never know how much time you have left.