Wednesday, January 27, 2016

He's Gone...

My Mikey is gone.  And he's never coming back.

My heart is so completely broken. I wish this were all a bad dream.

That photo is the last one I took of the two of us, just two days before he died.

It's been 5 days since I let him go, and it hasn't gotten any easier.

I still keep hearing his voice in my head and expecting to see him around every corner.  I would give anything for one more day with him, healthy, to hold him and snuggle him and smell his head and kiss his paws. 

I've played last Thursday night over and over in my head.  Questioning if I did the right thing.  Going over what I thought went wrong.  Wondering what was going through his mind and if he knew through it all how much I loved him. 

I had a vet come to my house that night, which I thought would be the best way for him.  I didn't want the last thing he experienced to be a cold steel table in an unfamiliar, scary place.

The morning after, I drove back to Pennsylvania, tears streaming down my face the entire time, with both of my cats in the car.  My dad dug a hole and we laid Mikey to rest in my parents backyard under the apple tree where our family dog is buried.  He looked like he was sleeping.  Even though I knew his spirit was no longer in that body, I still couldn't believe it was the last time I'd ever see him in this life.  It still doesn't feel real. 

Sal grieved for days, searching frantically for Mikey in my apartment and at my parents house.  He cried under the bed the first night and couldn't sleep.  He continues to search and look behind him constantly for Mikey and at night sits atop the bed, looking into the hallway, waiting.  I can't imagine what he's thinking and I'm worried about leaving him home alone all day from now on.

From the day they were born and for the past 11 years, they were constant companions.  They have never even spent 1 day apart.  They slept together, played together and groomed each other daily.  They were brothers and soulmates.

There have been a few times I've seen Sal looking over my shoulder, eyes wide and unflinching, and I believe Mikey is visiting him.  Today, he was staring intently down the hall, and then chased something up the stairs.  I believe they are still playing together.

I don't want to keep crying about Mikey, but I also don't want him to think I've forgotten about him.

We weathered the blizzard in Pennsylvania and just came home to my apartment tonight.  I think a tiny little part of me expected to see Mikey waiting for us when we returned. 

His food bowl and litter box are still out.  I still have jars of baby food on my counter and his medicine in the fridge.  I'm not yet ready to pack up all the reminders.

I miss him more than I ever thought possible, and our lives will never be the same.  I can't believe this is our new reality.

I hope he knows how much I love him, and I hope wherever he is, he's not hurting and not lonely.

I got this photo of my boys snuggling, the night before Mikey died:

I lost a piece of my heart last week that I'll never get back.  My sweet boy, I loved you so much and I always will. 

What greater gift than the love of a cat? ~ Charles Dickens


  1. I wish I had some magic words to make you feel better, but all I can really say is that I am so, so sorry. I hope the pain lessens with time, the memeories stay fresh and you and Sal continue to get the feeling he's still hanging around with you

  2. I'm so very sorry for your loss. Hugs to you, and extra pets and hugs to Sal for his loss as well.

  3. I am so sorry, Jill. That is all there is to say. So much love.

  4. I'm so sorry I know it's hard, but you did the right thing. Hugs to you.

  5. So sorry for your loss! Losing a pet is so hard; I still think about (and don't laugh: have DREAMS about) my childhood dog. XO

  6. :( Death is so hard... We lost 3 dogs last year.

  7. I'm so sorry for your loss. I think that it's impossible to know how important our pets become to a person unless they've lost or nearly lost one before. It shows how some seek the love of these sweet animals more than some others might. This breaks my heart to read, it really shows your love for Mikey.


  8. Oh, my god. This breaks my heart :( I am so so so incredibly sorry for your loss. There is nothing like the love of a constant companion and I know the feeling of that immense loss. And so very sad for Sal who lost his best friend. But I believe you're right and that Mickey is still doing visitations and checking in on his friend.

    Sending so much love and hugs, my sweet. Please reach out if there's anything I can help with. I am so unbelievably sorry for this loss. XOXO

  9. This made me cry. I'm so, so sorry. I lost two sweet cats in the same year. One was 17 and the other was 15. It's still so hard. However, there was a new little kitty waiting for me and now she is sitting on my lap as I type. Maybe when you're ready there will be one for you too.

  10. I'm sorry I'm just getting to this but I wanted you to know how heartbroken I am for you and for your sweet Sal. Sending you both lots of love.

  11. I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet kitty. I know how awful it is. I hope that it is getting better with time (please tell me it is).
    If it makes you feel at all better, Winnie's brother passed away (well he went missing but same thing from Winnie's perspective) when they were both 11 and she completely forgot about him within a few months. Actually, I don't know if that is a comforting thing...
    Anyway, take care, and hug your kitty close!

  12. This was such a heartbreaking post. :[ I am so, so, so sorry for your loss. Sending you lots of love and hugs. <3 <3

  13. I am so so so sorry for your loss :( It's completely devastating!

  14. I know this post is from a little over a year ago but I just had to comment. I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Mikey. I had tears streaming down my face reading this! When we had to say goodbye to Basic I had so many of the same fears as you did! Did she know we loved her? Does she know we won't forget about her? I was afraid to hug and cuddle my other kitties because I was afraid of how Basic would feel about that. (So illogical as Basic was gone!) I so wish we had a vet come to the house. That is my biggest regret and I feel sick every time I think about that. But it hadn't crossed my mind at the time. I'm not sure I really knew that was a thing. But if we ever have to put Christmas or Jelly down, I was definitely have a vet come to our house. I am so sorry. I need to wrap up this comment because I'm crying again.

  15. What a beautiful post about a handsome boy. It really touched my heart. Thank you so much for sharing this. I lost my kitty Tink in 2013 and I still feel the loss deeply. I've often felt her presence in the room with me or hoped anyway. A piece of my heart went with her and I still miss her every day.