I'm a Yes (Wo)man. A habitual people pleaser. An empath. A giver. And often taken advantage of.
When I was younger, I thought saying Yes was the only way to earn others' approval. The only way to be 'liked'. I guess to some extent I based my own self worth on what others thought of me. To this day I think I still base some of my self worth or how 'good' of a person I am on how much I do for others. Which logically I realize is insane, but somehow it still affects me.
The thing about saying Yes to others all the time, is that it means you are saying No to yourself most of the time. And that's not healthy.
I bring all of this up because just this week another occasion arose where someone asked me to go above and beyond...and for once I said No! This decision did not come without much stressful (needless) deliberation. When the request was first made of me, I didn't even see it as a question. I immediately jumped to Yes, and started freaking out, thinking 'How am I going to do this!?'. Trying to work out the logistics in my head, even though I knew it wouldn't work.
It's important to keep in mind, that when someone makes a request of you, there are always at LEAST two equally viable, possible answers: Yes or No. Evaluate the situation and decide what works for you, instead of jumping straight to Yes.
I stressed myself out so much over this situation that I ended up with a stomachache and headache. I tend to absorb the problems and energy of others and that was definitely happening in this situation. It took the wise words of a few friends to make me realize I had absolutely no obligation to say Yes to something I wasn't comfortable or able to do!
One friend told me, 'You don't need a reason to say No'. And she was so right. When faced with saying No, I'm often so uncomfortable with it that I try to come up with excuses or reasons. She made me realize this is not only not necessary but it's no one's business why you can't or won't do something.
Another very close friend who is also a huge Giver told me this, "Givers have to set boundaries because Takers rarely do". BOOM!!! <------That's some Oprah-level material right there. My friends are such wise sages.
After I finally said No, I actually felt a physical wave of relief rush through my body. I knew I had done the right thing.
I spoke to my mom later that evening, who pointed out that not only will you respect yourself more, but others will also show you more respect when you learn to say No effectively. Directly or indirectly, you let people know how to treat you.
The world is full of both Givers and Takers. The yin and the yang. But if you're a Giver I hope some of these words give you inspiration. And if you're a Taker, stop taking advantage of Givers who haven't yet learned the Art of No. Seriously, knock that $hit off.
*As an additional resource, I found this article on WikiHow to be really helpful: How to Stop Being a People Pleaser
Are you a People Pleaser?
Do you say Yes even when you want to say No?
If not, how did you learn to set healthy boundaries?
I absolutely LOVE this, it's something I learned from reading "The Happiness Project" Saying NO is liberating :)
ReplyDeleteI've actually been wanting to read that book forever! Thanks for reminding me. And thanks for stopping by. I'm glad you got something out of my post!
DeleteI think one of the hardest things can be setting boundaries--for yourself as well as for others to respect. Sometimes we don't know what we want, but you don't have to take everything that comes your way "just because it might be the thing." Because guess what? You might already be on the right track with something else, but now you'll never know because you didn't give it enough time.
ReplyDeleteSetting boundaries, yes. That is really tough for me in so many situations because I'm so easily moved by others. I keep learning every time I'm put in these predicaments, and I'm getting better at it!
DeleteGreat post Jill! You just described how I feel whenever I am presented with a Yes/No decision. I agonize it .. and when I finally do say no... it is the best feeling over.
ReplyDeleteYes! Same with me Jenny. We must be 2 of a kind. It's so hard for me to say No even when I know I'd be overextending myself. I think I keep getting presented with these situations so I can learn.
DeleteI say Yes a lot, but it's because I want to do it usually. I am pretty good about saying no when I am at my limit or really don't want to do something. I guess it's good, but can also come off as bitchy. ha.
ReplyDeleteHa, you are a stronger person than I! I can easily say Yes when I want to help out and I have the time, but I often end up saying Yes even when I know I'm overextending myself out of guilt. And then I end up resenting the other person and myself. Not good. I'm learning, and trying.
DeleteI LOVE this post and I'm reading it at such a coincidental time. A close friend is having a fundraiser in the city tonight (almost an hour away) and I'm one of the few not going. Between having an 8 week old (who got shots today) and being so exhausted (and no one else to watch her anyway), I said I couldn't go. I legit made myself feel sick and anxious over it (and still sort of do) but reading this helped!
ReplyDeleteI'm saving what your friend said to reference in the future, it's awesome!
Oh I love when the timing is just right like that! We must be connected across the miles (and internet). I'm sure your friend and everyone in your life right now understands how thin you are stretched right now. But, I know exactly how sick you can make yourself when agonizing over a decision just because you don't want to tell someone No. I face it every time, and most often just end up caving and saying Yes even though I know it's not the right thing for me. I'm glad you were able to say No and do what was best for you. I mean you are currently caring for the most gorgeous little baby model ever! You need your rest!
DeleteNot having to explain your 'no' is one of the most forgotten points. We feel the obligation to explain everything, oftentimes making it worse.
ReplyDeleteNo. Why? Doesn't matter.... just no.
Farin
Farin you are SO right! When my friend told me you don't need a reason to say No, it was like an epiphany.
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