The Art of No

This.  100% this:

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I'm a Yes (Wo)man.  A habitual people pleaser. An empath.  A giver.  And often taken advantage of. 

 

When I was younger, I thought saying Yes was the only way to earn others' approval.  The only way to be 'liked'.  I guess to some extent I based my own self worth on what others thought of me.  To this day I think I still base some of my self worth or how 'good' of a person I am on how much I do for others.  Which logically I realize is insane, but somehow it still affects me.

 

The thing about saying Yes to others all the time, is that it means you are saying No to yourself most of the time.  And that's not healthy. 

 

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I bring all of this up because just this week another occasion arose where someone asked me to go above and beyond...and for once I said No!  This decision did not come without much stressful (needless) deliberation.  When the request was first made of me, I didn't even see it as a question.  I immediately jumped to Yes, and started freaking out, thinking 'How am I going to do this!?'.  Trying to work out the logistics in my head, even though I knew it wouldn't work. 

 

It's important to keep in mind, that when someone makes a request of you, there are always at LEAST two equally viable, possible answers:  Yes or No. Evaluate the situation and decide what works for you, instead of jumping straight to Yes. 

 



I stressed myself out so much over this situation that I ended up with a stomachache and headache.  I tend to absorb the problems and energy of others and that was definitely happening in this situation.  It took the wise words of a few friends to make me realize I had absolutely no obligation to say Yes to something I wasn't comfortable or able to do! 

 

One friend told me, 'You don't need a reason to say No'.  And she was so right.  When faced with saying No, I'm often so uncomfortable with it that I try to come up with excuses or reasons.  She made me realize this is not only not necessary but it's no one's business why you can't or won't do something. 

 

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Another very close friend who is also a huge Giver told me this, "Givers have to set boundaries because Takers rarely do".  BOOM!!! <------That's some Oprah-level material right there.  My friends are such wise sages.

 

After I finally said No, I actually felt a physical wave of relief rush through my body. I knew I had done the right thing.

 

I spoke to my mom later that evening, who pointed out that not only will you respect yourself more, but others will also show you more respect when you learn to say No effectively.  Directly or indirectly, you let people know how to treat you. 

 

The world is full of both Givers and Takers.  The yin and the yang.  But if you're a Giver I hope some of these words give you inspiration.  And if you're a Taker, stop taking advantage of Givers who haven't yet learned the Art of No.  Seriously, knock that $hit off.

 

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*As an additional resource, I found this article on WikiHow to be really helpful: How to Stop Being a People Pleaser

 



Are you a People Pleaser?

Do you say Yes even when you want to say No?

If not, how did you learn to set healthy boundaries?

Coming Up for Air

Sorry for being MIA all week.  This week has been NUTS and I'm just trying to keep my head above water.  I haven't had a full day off in almost two weeks.  Yesterday I left my house at 8am and didn't get home until 11PM.  I'm not joking.  Today I nearly broke down in tears.  This is the first night I've been home and able to sit down to blog.  I haven't even been to the gym in 3 days and I'm not feeling good about it. 

But despite all of this, the craziness has served a purpose for me - it reiterated some important lessons I learned last year.

First, that the Universe will continue to repeat the lesson until you have learned it:

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I learned many many things during the years I spent in my last career, the most important of which were not finance related, but were life lessons.  I spent many years not speaking up for myself while others took advantage of me, and because I am an extremely tolerant person, I kept my chin up, thinking, one day things will change, things will improve, and others will see that what they are doing is not fair.  It took me a long time to realize that hoping things will change is not the same as taking positive actions to change things.  If  I wanted to be treated differently, I had to speak up!  I don't know why but it's very difficult for me to speak on behalf of my own best interests.  I almost always put others needs in front of mine, and I know that being compassionate must start with being compassionate to yourself.  Somehow, I let this lesson lapse the past few weeks and have been overextending myself on other's behalf.  On the outside, this benefits others, but inside, the stress builds until someday down the road, it turns into resentment.  I know that I can't let things get out of hand or let others make decisions on my behalf because I am the only one who knows what's best for me (I think I even mentioned this in my 2014 Goals post - oh how quickly I forget!).

Which leads me to lesson #2, another that has quickly fallen by the wayside already this year - Self Care.

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I am seriously slacking in Self Care right now.  I learned the hard way the past few years, that if I don't take care of myself, I can't take care of others.  I need to nurture my spirit in order to share that gift with others.  I know this, yet I don't often heed it.  If your cup is empty, how will you fill another's?  When we board a plane, and hear the safety instructions, aren't we told in case of an emergency to put on our OWN oxygen mask before attending to others, even children?  To tell you the truth, if faced with an emergency I'd probably be the person suffocating while trying to put an oxygen mask on the person next to me.  Even though I know this is ludicrous, I do this in daily life.  I attend to the needs of others first.  I'm entering a field where taking care of others is a huge part of the job, but still, I know there needs to be a balance. 

 

I found the below checklist on Pinterest and I think I'm going print it out and put it on my vision board for the year.  These are wonderful reminders:

 

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I hope this list helps others of you out there who may be in the same situation.  I am a compassionate giver by nature, but taking stock of my mental state now, after a month of constant giving, I know I need to speak up, and take action on my own behalf, in order to tip the scale back to a balanced state.  I can't run on empty forever...

 

 

So tonight, I'm taking a breather and decompressing.  Tomorrow I'll be back with your regularly scheduled programming.  

 

And now, let's zen out.  This song randomly came on Pandora the other day, in the middle of my chaotic week.  I hadn't heard it for ages, and even if only for a moment, I felt at ease.  Enjoy:



How about you?  Are you a 'people pleaser' too?

Do you often put others before yourself?

How do you assert yourself while still being compassionate?